Brent Byington

NFL Week 1 Picks

Brent Byington
NFL Week 1 Picks

NFL Week 1 Picks

Thursday Night Special

Falcons v Eagles

Bird battle to begin the season. I hate the Falcons. I don’t know why. A team with ALL. OF. THE. TALENT. IN. THE. WORLD. and they went 10-6. I guess when you trade Shanahan for Sark at OC, Matt Ryan can’t win — or throw to Julio Jones. Fly Eagles Fly (though I’m REALLY concerned that Nick Foles totally turned in to a pumpkin sometime in July).

Green birds win by 14

Sunday Day Day Games

Bengals v Colts

Cousin Mose is back under center and I’m happy. For a while, it seemed his arm fell off and everyone was just trying to figure out how to say it nicely. Despite Andy Dalton’s new haircut, I think the Colts pull out a win because of the kickers.

Baby Horses by 6

Bills v Ravens

Tyrod is gone, but Flacco is still around. Remember when Kiko Alonso hit sticked Flacco so hard we actually felt emotion for him? He’s still riding that empathy wave from me. Ravens take this one after a cool Wildcat play with Lamar Jackson fails but the next play scores a TD on a play action boring throw to the backup tight end.

Ravens by 3

Buccaneers v Saints

Fuck. The. Bucs. Jameis Winston can go home. The Bucs coach is on the Firewatch list and the ghost of Gruden remains. Beyond all that, the Saints might be the best team in the NFC, really.

Saints by 103 (they win by 24 after putting in the backups)

Texans v Patriots

The Pats are nearly always the odds-on favorite. Except last year when the Chiefs tore them up in game 1. That doesn’t happen again. But I bet DeShaun Watson runs around a lot and we get pretty excited. Also, what are the betting odds for JJ Watt to stay healthy? Injured by week 5? 8?

Pats by 14

49ers v Vikings

Jimmy G!! Ride or die, I don’t care how good the new Vikings quarterback is. Or their TWO running backs. Or TWO wide receivers. Or their tight end. Or their defense. Or their Coach of the Year candidate. Or that they were one terrible play away from the Super Bowl. This is what Ride or Die is, people. I’m riding. Let’s ride Jimmy.

49ers by 6 (bonus points of a Jimmy G walk off TD)

Titans v Dolphins

This week’s Battle of Who Could Care Less. I have no reason to care about this game. Maybe Danny Amendola, but we’re really just going to watch Ryan Tannehill toss the ball in the dirt or up in the stands. I like Mariota, and I love Mike Vrabel I think. I’ll take the Michigan Connection with Adam Gase.

Fish win by whatever

Jaguars v Giants

I love the heel) in wrestling. The bad guys are the coolest. Jalen Ramsey is a shit talking heel. The Giants have Mr. Monster-Quad himself Saquon Barkley, they’ve got ODB, but they also have Eli, who seems to be a candle left out in the sun (poetry!). I’m picking the Giants purely out of respect for dumping Dumpy Dumperson Ben McAdoo.

Giants by 4

Steelers v Browns

Hahahahaha.

Steelers by 17

Sunday Day Evening Games

Chiefs v Chargers

Hmm. I’m mad at the Chiefs for trading Alex Smith. I’m mad at the Chargers for making me wrong every time I say San Diego Chargers. I thought I’d ride with the Chiefs forever. I still might. You do for family, right?

Chiefs by 1

Cowboys v Panthers

Man, the Cowboys look bad this year. Really bad. Like, Cowboys in the mid 2000s bad. Zeke literally has a bad look. The Panthers seem like they almost done pouting about Cam giving up in the Super Bowl. I bet we see some decent Zeke runs, some dope-ass Dak and Cam roll outs and plenty of dropped balls.

Panthers by 7

Redskins v Cardinals

So, the Redskins picked up Alex Smith, which is hard for me. I love Alex Smith, and he only plays for teams in red (Utah, 49ers, Chiefs) so a maroon year feels like home. But I’m conflicted in cheering for the our capital city’s racist team name. But, the Cardinals QB situation is some mixture of Sam Bradford and every backup ever, so...

Skins by 7 and we all need to shower after.

Seahawks v Broncos

A worn statue. Rusted. Stained. Banners of a parade litter the ground nearby, abandoned in the hangover of the celebration. A proud man looks on, his dreams of what once were constantly haunt his mind. Looking forward, he knows there’s no hope, but for the troops behind him, he cannot admit sure failure. He marches forward, knowing this battle will be his last. The once great dynasty is over.

Hawks by 4.

Sunday Day Night Game

Bears v Packers

$100M wins you football games when you buy Aaron Rodgers. Constantly running the Jeter rollout bootleg thing does not. Trubisky-mania be damned, A-Rog minus Olivia Munn is an A-Rog who’ll tear up the NFL. He’ll never earn the goat emoji from Super Bowl wins, but damn if he doesn’t earn for pure talent. And money. He’s the goat in money.

Packers by 17.

Monday Night Weird Early Game

Jets v Lions

The best thing we could ever get is the incredible return of Sergio Dipp. Failing that, I think we might just see pretty quickly why Bill Belichick was really OK with Matt Patricia leaving. I bet the Lions fall ass first in to a win here, but no one is happy about it. Though I bet Prater has a good game.

Lions by 4

Monday Night Weird Late Game

Rams v Raiders

Well, well, well. If it isn’t Mr. Spider 2 Y Banana himself. Jon Gruden, I can’t imagine, is a good football coach anymore — the Mack trade as Exhibit 1A. You know who is a good football coach? Sean McVay. Despite the Rams suffering from a game critical personal foul from Suh, I’m taking the Rams.

Rams by 12